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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25700206">Two &amp; a Half Human Disasters</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Asphodelia/pseuds/Asphodelia'>Asphodelia</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Two &amp; a Half Human Disasters [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Final Fantasy VII Remake (Video Game 2020)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Found Family, M/M, Rare Pairings, Road Trip, it makes sense in my head, okay it doesn't but it is fun in my head</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 08:20:42</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,967</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25700206</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Asphodelia/pseuds/Asphodelia</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Roche didn't wake up expecting to ditch Midgar with some weird pale kid he just met and nearly kill a hitchhiker. But such is life.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Chadley and Johnny (Compilation of FFVII), Roche and Chadley (Compilation of FFVII), Roche and Johnny (Compilation of FFVII), Roche/Johnny (Compilation of FFVII)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Two &amp; a Half Human Disasters [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1863850</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>7</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>17</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Two &amp; a Half Human Disasters</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>There was a kid in his way. Roche had been called to the Shinra building to get orders and hadn’t even made it to Public Security before a frail-looking teenager popped out from around a corner and planted himself firmly in his path.</p>
<p>“My name is Chadley. I am an intern in the Research and Development division. It is imperative to my research that I locate Cloud Strife.”</p>
<p>The kid looked like a tech savvy ghost. His hair was pale, his eyes were pale, his skin was practically transparent, and he was dressed like he attended some kind of boarding school for senior citizens. He was also sporting some kind of digital monocle Roche didn’t care to puzzle out the purpose of. </p>
<p>Under most circumstances Roche would have ignored him – gone around him, or through him if he made himself more of a pest – but the mention of Cloud caught his interest. He hadn’t been able to stop thinking about his worthy foe since their glorious duel. There was a chance the Cloud Chadley was talking about wasn’t the same as the blond who’d been guest starring in Roche’s dreams for the past week or so, but Roche got the feeling it probably was. </p>
<p>“You know who I am, kidlet?” Roche had to ask. When you were a SOLDIER people tended to stay out of your way, and Roche was obviously a SOLDIER. More than that, though, he was <i>Roche</i>. Speed Demon. He had a well-earned reputation for being dangerous and unpredictable. Well-armed public security officers were afraid to face him as a group, while they were on the same side as him, but this sickly little nerd was standing in his way without a hint of fear on his monocle-wearing face. Roche approached to tower over him and still got no response aside from the boy tilting his head up to see him better. </p>
<p>“SOLDIER third class: Roche. Also referred to as ‘Speed Demon’, primarily by yourself. Although a gifted swordsman, you are best known for driving a motorcycle exceedingly quickly and without a sense of caution. An ideal candidate.” </p>
<p>“For what?” He couldn’t help but laugh, both at Chadley’s nerve in pointing out he was the only one to use his own nickname and at his general ‘possessed by a digital assistant’ demeanor. </p>
<p>“It is imperative to my research that I locate Cloud Strife.” Chadley chirped pleasantly, if robotically, with the exact same cadence as the first time he’d uttered the sentence. “You have been selected as my chaperone. We will pursue Cloud and his party outside of Midgar. If it isn’t too much of an inconvenience, it would be best to leave immediately.” </p>
<p>The kid was still craning his neck to look up at Roche as he loomed over him, and he still didn’t seem remotely intimidated. Roche decided he was a little impressed and took a step back.  </p>
<p>“This is my official assignment, huh?” Although the names of the Avalanche members who’d been chased out of town a couple nights ago hadn’t been released, Roche knew Cloud was among them because he’d recognized his spikey blond head and skills in the saddle on news footage of the chase before the camera drones had either failed or been ordered away. After they’d left town, Public Security had stopped any active pursuit. His new favourite dance partner was mixed up in the kind of things that top brass probably wanted to deal with precisely and delicately.</p>
<p>There was no way they’d assign Roche.</p>
<p>“It is.” If Roche didn’t already know the kid must be lying, he wouldn’t have guessed it. There was a strain he was starting to notice in his expression, an urgency he was trying to cover up, but Roche wouldn’t have seen those things if he wasn’t already looking. Lucky for Chadley, Roche didn’t really care if the world’s youngest grandfather was trying to play him. Not as long as one thing was true…</p>
<p>“And you know Cloud Strife?”</p>
<p>“Yes. He was invaluable to my research.” Chadley’s urgency was increasingly poorly masked. He wasn’t scared of Roche, but he was scared of something. There was a reason the little weirdo had to get out of town asap.</p>
<p>“Okay then. I’ll just check in with Heidegger and we’ll be on our way.” Roche couldn’t resist messing with the kid a bit. Proving him to be a liar would be as easy as talking to anyone else. He’d already decided not to do that, but for all Chadley knew he was seconds away from being caught in whatever it was he was trying to pull. </p>
<p>Panic shot through Chadley’s eyes and his hands shook slightly. “T-that won’t be necessary. My superiors have already spoken to yours.”</p>
<p>Roche grinned for a moment, letting the kid sweat, but it was ultimately a lot less satisfying than he’d hoped. The moment passed and he shrugged theatrically. “Well, if that’s how it is then I guess that’s how it is. You look like a smart kid, I’m sure you wouldn’t try to pull one over on me.”</p>
<p>“Excellent. Shall we be going?” The threat either went over Chadley’s head, or he decided to accept the risk. Maybe a bit of both. Roche hoped for the later, though, because he was kind of enjoying how gutsy he was. </p>
<p>“Sure chickadee, let’s hit the road.” Roche turned, slapped Chadley companionably on the back, and led the way towards the elevator that would take them to the garage. He decided that Chadley seemed more fun when he was being bold than when he seemed scared so there was no point in drawing this part out when he’d already decided to go along with it. He didn’t need to be wasting time making some weird kid wet himself when he could be finding his beautiful blond rival and getting that rematch. Chadley would hopefully be helpful in finding him, and if not then he’d at least be a good motivator if Cloud wasn’t in the mood for challenges. </p>
<p>This did mean that he was abandoning whatever his actual assignment was, but… eh. Patrolling the tunnel was getting old, and since nobody in Shinra really trusted him he doubted his new assignment would be anything but more of the same kind of thing. He’d had his first taste of a real thrill in a very long time and he didn’t want to go back to business as usual. </p>
<p>They were in the garage and on his bike before long. Corkscrew tunnel was still closed, but Roche jumping the barricade was probably overdue in the minds of the officers who were usually assigned to the tunnel and nobody bothered stopping him. </p>
<p>Chadley had no reaction at all to the speed, or the jumps, or the brief spinning attack against the Public Security van they ran into at the bottom of the tunnel (necessary? No. Fun? Yes). He was a pretty boring audience, but at least he didn’t get motion sick.</p>
<p>“Once I get going I am one with my bike, and we are one with the road, and we are all one with the wind! A force of nature that cannot be stopped or slowed by man, beast, or barricade.” Roche declared as they left the city limits for the dusty badlands that looped around Midgar. “Basically, you have to tell me if you need a nap or the bathroom or something. Otherwise we’re not stopping.”</p>
<p>“That is preferable. I have few biological needs and we are on a chase, after all.” Chadley’s voice was faint – he didn’t yell over the engine, like Roche did, and he was facing away from him on the back of the bike, holding himself in place with one hand somehow (the kid was stronger than he looked, Roche guessed, or he was just defying physics somehow). </p>
<p>“Yeah kiddo, I think we’re going to get along fine.”</p>
<p>“I am an adolescent.” Chadley objected to the childish nicknames for the first time, although he sounded more confused than bothered. Roche just laughed and kept driving. </p>
<p>The road they followed out of Midgar was all hills and tight corners – the badlands weren’t easy terrain. Roche loved them for that reason, and they didn't slow him down at all. He was pretty confident they wouldn’t be looking for Cloud for long. They had to be moving faster than Cloud’s group. Finding them might be tricky, but catching up wouldn’t be. They’d speed through the badlands and, so long as the kid was serious about not wanting to stop to sleep, be in Kalm by the next morning. Granted, Roche should probably sleep at some point – he had the normal amount of biological needs – but he knew he’d be too keyed up for it. They’d just keep going until at least Kalm, where they’d hopefully find either Cloud or a lead as to where he’d gone.</p>
<p>Stopping, for any reason, was not on the agenda. So, when Roche spotted the hitchhiker ahead of them in the road – bright red hair, topless, and waving around what was probably his shirt like a flag – he intended to pass him without so much as a second glance. When he spotted Roche and ran into the road, excited at the prospect of being rescued, that changed nothing.</p>
<p>Roche continued on at full speed towards the grinning, shirtless, man and might have run him over except that he remembered he might want Chadley’s help later and he didn’t know how the kid would react. So when he neared the redhead, he pulled the bike up into a ramp-less jump over his head and would have continued on except that he wasn't too far down the road before the back of his bike was suddenly lighter. When he glanced back he saw that Chadley was no longer with him and was instead walking down the road back towards the hitchhiker. </p>
<p>Did the kid just… hop off? While he was moving at full speed? Chadley didn’t have the mako-flecked eyes (or general athletic build) of a soldier, but there was something about him that was not natural.</p>
<p>Roche turned the bike with a loud screech and then slowed as he doubled back, reaching the hitchhiker at the same time as Chadley and dismounting his bike.</p>
<p>“Dude, that was amazing, I thought you might actually hit me for a second and then whoosh! Right over my head, like you were flying!” The redhead practically had stars in his eyes. It was not the reaction Roche was used to from people who’d come that close to vehicular manslaughter and, frankly, he didn’t know what to do with it. He looked at the stranger long enough to note that he was in bad shape – sunburnt, unsteady on his feet, and sporting a nasty bruise over one eye – before turning his attention to Chadley. </p>
<p>“I thought you didn’t want to take breaks.” </p>
<p>“I am pursuing a lead.”</p>
<p>“Oh?”</p>
<p>Chadley turned to the redhead with an examining gaze. “You are Johnny, a resident of Sector 7 with an overdeveloped appreciation for the attractions of Wall Market. Correct?”</p>
<p>“That’s me!” Johnny confirmed proudly, as if he’d been complemented and not just identified. And mildly insulted. “Hey, wait, do I know you?”</p>
<p>“You are an acquaintance of Cloud. As am I.” </p>
<p>“Oh, okay, cool!” Johnny accepted that explanation with a smile. “Yeah, Cloud is like my number one bro, you know? And we did have the most epic night out in Wall Market a while back – there was this crazy house, and Cloud and this Aerith girl who was maybe his girlfriend, I don’t know, they totally killed it and then we met this old dude who was a VIP at the Honey Bee Inn and – Well, you’re kind of young to hear about that. Damn I’m gonna miss that place…”</p>
<p>Roche didn’t know how this person who looked destined to become roadkill was finding the energy to keep chattering away, but hopefully he could keep it up until they’d finished questioning him.</p>
<p>“Did you leave Midgar to meet up with Cloud somewhere? Chicklet –“</p>
<p>“Chadley.”</p>
<p>“ – and I are looking for him.”</p>
<p>“Cloud left Midgar?”</p>
<p>So that was a ‘no’. As far as Roche was concerned it was time to get back on the road, but before he could get back on his bike there were suddenly dirty, sunburnt, hands fisting in the front of his shirt.</p>
<p>“Dude. Thank you.” The redhead looked up at him with watery brown eyes and Roche hoped he was too dehydrated to actually cry. That’d be awkward. “Old Johnny-boy’s fallen on hard times. He’s a wanted man! Forced out of Midgar, I spent every dime I had on a ride out of town with some guys who said they were headed to Junon, only to be betrayed! They took my money, knocked me out, and left me out here in the middle of nowhere. I’m so thirsty, man. I thought I might die. I thought I might have to drink,” Johnny looked pointedly down at his own crotch. “You know.” </p>
<p>“And then you and the little dude flew in like angels on a motorbike!” There were actual tears running down Johnny’s face when he looked back up into Roche’s eyes. He did not know what to do with that. Could he just leave? He should just leave. Push the redhead, grab the kid, and go. Why wasn’t he doing that? “You jumped over me, and the sun was behind you like a halo, and you were smiling down at me like, like – well, like a maniac, but like a maniac who was sent to rescue me! I’m gonna make this up to you, bro. I swear. Some day when you’re in a bind, Johnny’s gonna come charging in and save you right back. I, like, owe you my life. And that’s FOR life.” </p>
<p>Roche just stared into those wet, grateful, brown eyes and tried to process. A bird who might have made a meal out of Johnny when he got just a little weaker and slower cried out in the distance. The remains of a long-dead plant rolled by them in the breeze. The shadow of a nearby boulder moved about half an inch with the shifting of the sun in the sky. Johnny was still clutching his shirt and looking at Roche like he was his savior and not the guy who was going to leave him for the buzzards. </p>
<p>“I believe Johnny may still prove useful, and I would not want to face Cloud knowing I had abandoned an ally of his.” Chadley at least knew leaving Johnny out here was a possibility Roche was considering, even if Johnny himself still didn’t. </p>
<p>“Righto. I guess if kiddo here’s the smart science-y one and I’m the dashing, dangerous, free spirt then we might as well round out the heroic trio with a damsel in distress type.” Roche wasn’t sure why he was going along with this, if it was because Chadley wanted to or because of Johnny himself and his pathetic, desperate, face. Maybe he would have begged if Roche had burst his bubble? Nobody wanted to see that. Whatever the reason, it wasn’t worth thinking on. They could take him at least as far as Kalm. </p>
<p>Johnny blinked like he was aware something had gone over his head, but didn’t really care to question it. “Right, yeah! We should definitely find some girls, but you should know that even if they’re, like, really gorgeous – have I told you about the Honey Bee Inn? Because WOW – but yeah, even if they’re like super pretty my heart is taken. Johnny-boy belongs to Tifa, and that’s all there is to it. But that doesn’t mean that I can’t, like, <i>look[</i>.” </p>
<p>Roche wasn’t really listening to Johnny’s chatter as he dug a water bottle out of a compartment on the bike and tossed it to him. Johnny drank eagerly while Roche and Chadley got on the bike.  </p>
<p>Until he was already straddled over his bike and Chadley was already perched on the back, facing backwards, Roche did not consider how impractical it was going to be to fit three people on his motorcycle. Johnny stood beside them, shifting from foot to foot, looking stumped for a moment before he shrugged, turned sideways, and somehow squeezed between them. There was some space. Not enough. Still, after a bit of uncomfortable maneuvering Johnny was seated behind Roche, clinging to him, and Chadley seemed as bizarrely stable as ever holding himself up behind both of them. </p>
<p>“Let’s roll, boys!” Roche called out as he revved up the bike. He popped the front tire up as they took off down the road, causing Johnny to cling to him more tightly to him and Chadley to… still not react at all, the little weirdo. </p>
<p>They were only on the road for another ten minutes before Johnny started talking about being hungry and tired, and Roche realized he’d made a grave mistake. This was going to slow them down. Roche didn’t stand for anything slowing him down. Although…</p>
<p>“Hey, it looks like the bridge is out up ahead. Are we going to, maybe, stop before we all plunge to our deaths? Um, no? Dude, I know you’re the expert here, but I really think – AAAAH oh my god we’re gonna die we’re gonna die we’re gonna…We’re not dead! We made it!” Johnny eased up on the clinging when they were no longer jumping between sheer cliff faces, then hugged him tighter again in celebration. “Man, you are so cool. Like, I know I come across like this calm, aloof, intellectual type so you probably can’t tell but I am honestly just blown away. You’re the best.”</p>
<p>Maybe it wouldn’t be terrible to just live with this for a while.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I dunno. I was thinking about how much I like all three of these strange side characters and how much fun it'd be to write them and then I suddenly had a few parts of a series planned out.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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